Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Living

Shelly Roberts

It is never a good idea to ask someone to marry you BEFORE the first date.

The average time between lesbian relationships is MINUS three point seven minutes.

"I love you" is NOT a question.

The term 'lesbian therapist' is redundant.

It's a law. After six months, all lesbian couples will walk alike. After one year, all lesbian couples will be wearing at least one matching item. After ten years, all lesbian couples pronouncing the word "hello" into a telephone will sound indistinguishable (in my case it only took three years and now even my mother can't tell us apart...) After twenty years, all lesbian couples - regrettably - will have the same body.

Life is a process. Lesbian life is the process of processing the process.

There's no such thing as lesbian divorce. There is only thermonuclear war. And then best friends.

"No" is a complete sentence.

Lesbians don't hate men. You must be thinking of married straight women.

Gay men are of the same ilk, but they are NOT of the same species.

If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic."

It is not against any written lesbian law to wear pantyhose. They just seem silly under your softball uniform.

Put more than two lesbians in a room and it's always a debate.

You should not consider yourself lesbian-impaired if you do not own a chainsaw.

In the olden days, it was believed there were only seven lesbians in the whole world, and the rest was done with mirrors. We know now there are MILLIONS of lesbians but only seven lesbian HAIRCUTS.

The average lesbian date lasts approximately three years.

Parents should be reminded, gently and often, that "I love you ANYWAY" is not a compliment.

Being politically active and being politically correct are not the same thing.

There are only two kinds of lesbians. Those who have been to the Michigan Womyn's Festival. And those who shave their body parts.

Serial monogamy is swell until you get tired of the same old serial every morning.

The best place to find the role model you're looking for is in the mirror. Sometimes it's the ONLY place.

It is nearly impossible for a lesbian to have a best friend she has not been previously married to. Or won't soon be married to.

You will never spell women/wimmin/wymin in a manner that will be acceptable to ALL of them.

Don't act normal, act normally.

We are ten million women waiting for someone else to ask us to dance.

It can't be a sin. We are not even IN the Bible.

Are there Hetero-sapiens?

If you are planning any activity at which you don't want to be interrupted, feed the cat first!